silent tears
my silent tears they fall,
my silent tears within these walls,
my silent tears are for our tomorrows,
my silent tears birthed from such sad sorrows.
They tell me that i am strong, they couldnt be more wrong.
You know the pain one feels....hmm....mebe it isnt pain..... more like an ache....in your heart your chest your throat.....and you tense up and yell to get rid of the aching numbing feeling.
I have been walking around with this feeling for the past few months and of late...call it PMS or whatever you may....this all feels so raw and intensified.
Most of you that knows me, knows my relationship....and knows my boy.
Most of you....love him as much as i do.
Then why break up right?
I know deep down i don't want to end this relationship and of course i still love him, how can i be with someone for 4 years and not love that person.
BUT my logical side comes in.....how can i be with someone....who doesnt hold me like i wish him to....kiss me for no reason....and touch me with that "i love you so much i just need to touch you" touch.
I only have that much strength to ask him to leave...to end this relationship. BUT he keeps on coming back and he keeps on telling me he loves me and wants to be with me forever...LOMF....love of my life....
I just don't see the point.
Why be together when we are more friends than anything else?
We have no passion.
I still feel the passion for him.....but on his side....its dead.
Now he says i am slowly pushing him away.....
YES because i want to end it.
Its easier to end it than to solve it when you are solving it alone. It takes both hands to clap. If i never said anything, he would think our passionless affectionateless relationship is normal and he'd be happy trotting along.
My strength has run out.....i am so worn out....so tired....with a numbing ache....
I want this all to end with one astounding impossible pain....
better than the slow numbing ache that slowly builds and drives me crazy...
posted by the frou fr0u one at
3:03 PM
5 Comments:
Dudette, your tears ain't that silent to begin with. Seriously I didn't mean it as an insult, just merely that your blog is tangible proof of some very deep pain.
I gotta say though, as much as I love you and Ah Boy, you both aren't really taking much accountability for anything.
I know you want that sweeping romance in your life, but also remember it might be difficult for him to express these things given past grievances you've acted out in public. I won't go into specifics here because this is a very VERY public place. But here is an example:it regards a couple when you openly voice your frustations about Ah Boy's 'abilities'. That of course is just the tip of the iceberg.Painful things like that don't leave a person's emotional memory, and it really is his responsibility to acknowledge any past misgivings or wrongs he may have done that maybe affecting him now. It is also your responsibility to acknowledge the wrongs you have done as well, which in all honesty I don't think you've done to a 100%.
I don't think it's the actual physical aspects that you want from him, you sound like you want more of the psychological morphine-like effects that sweeping romances offer, but the only way you know how to get it is through physical instances. Rather then thinking that a lack of physical intimacy means the doom of any love (that can be fixed gradually), remember the extraordinary amounts of trust that you have in the boy. The ability to be yourself without shame. To be loved in any and all conditions. Rather then place all blame on him, or on yourself, try and seek some external help with someone who is actually equipped and knowledgable enough to help without bias. Just vocalising your dissatisfaction without any action (except to cutthe guy off) isn't going to help you. Breaking up with him isn't going to solve anything because in the end it isn't going to fulfil what it is you are really seeking.
My reluctance to see you and him break up is because you already have someone there who is willing to stick with you through thick and thin. Regardless of whatever shortcomings I may have of him, a devotion like that is something almost everyone would kill for. It also means if time is what you need to fix your problems, then you already have that right kind of man by your side to do it with. And remember, the boy was actually happy, it was you who wasn't. You can't fix problems when you can't recognise all the causes.
I'm not trying to diss you here babe, but only giving an observation of what I see. I really do hope that you work it out properly rather than letting it become a seriouly protracted issue. And please don't get mad at me. I really do mean the best of intentions.Best of luck babe. Hugs.
awWww babe
thanks heaps
you have said more than anyone else and definitely shed more light on this than anyone else...
n you are a good friend becoz u just give it to me....good & bad
and thats wut i nid now.
i m so confused its killing me
and him too....
still at werk so i m gonna go home...grab a chocolate cake and read ur comment all over again
hugs!!
thanks a lot babe....
holy mutha of all oprah!
simply profound.
frou frou, hope you sort whatever it is out soon.
chin up!
holy mutha of all oprah!
simply profound.
frou frou, hope you sort whatever it is out soon.
chin up!
not bad eh? I was having my dr.phil moment!
Frou frou on the boo hoos, hope it all turns out the best for yas!
bvuh, I fixed my hair. Whoopee!
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