i stumbled upon a dream

Most of you who knows me would have often heard me say "I believe that marriage is not a necessity. I'm not a motherly person, i'm too selfish. i mean if you have kids, you lose your own life... e.g. Bang&Olufsen vs. Kids College Fund. If after working hard through the year and you wanna pack up and go live on an island for a month, if you have kids, whats gonna happen??"

So trust me when i say its weird that i dreamt that i gave birth to a little girl. It was weird but hey its a dream, she was conceived through IVF or some method as such and i gave birth to her in 5 months. When i first held her in my arms i thought, yea ok, she is kinda cute, but as i held her she became cuter & cuter. Her eyes were so big and her eyelashes was so long. However, as i held her i realised, i didnt want her. I REGRETed having her. And thats when i woke up.

Its kinda scary, cause a person who has foresight once told me, "You will have one child and it will be a girl" and even scarier than that is that i often get deja vu....you know that feeling where you did something you dreamt of, yea...

I remember when i use to tell people what i believe.... no marriage...selfish....no kids....bla bla blah, they use to say to me "Thats what you say but when you hold onto your own baby, your own flesh and blood, then you would want her and love her no matter what and your motherly instincts would just kick in".

You see, I have to say that i have in the past few months felt more of this so called motherly instinct. When i see kids outside i gush and go "AwWWw...look baby, that kid is so cute". And at those moments, i thought maybe i made my decision on not having a kid to early. Maybe its cause i work for my family now and i see all these cute clothes for kids [f.y.i. the family business is Children Clothes], so i wish i had my own. I actually thought, "Hey, why not eh?"

Then i dreamt the dream i did.

It was a warning.

It reminded me of what i wanted in life.

It brought me back to reality.

Yes, kids are cute.

Yes, i wish i would know how my kid would look.

BUT

At the end of the day, i wouldnt want any regrets.

I guess some of us work differently than others.

I dont have to feel guilty for not wating to have kids. Not wanting to get married.