butterflies emerging from the cocoon

I remember i said i would write about how bad i felt,
how the pain engulfed me, how i managed my days,
how i got to be where i am today,
wherever this is . . .

I never thought i would ever think of ending my life,
but through the bad days that was the only thought that could carry me through the day,
"hey...if i really cant take it anymore, i can just end it all, this will always be my last chance of escape".

Though i frequently thought of this, i knew i'd never do it,
thing is, you dont plan this things,
you just do it when you are so desperate to escape the pain you wake up to everyday.
BUT my friend asked me this,
"Love, what makes you think, if you end your life, you escape all the pain? Its your soul thats hurting not your body. Maybe after you die, your soul keeps repeating the pain and the day you die over and over and over again".

And i thought, wow.. .i never thought of that.

I felt like my whole world came crushing down on me.
I never thought i depended on him too much.
I still had my job * i didnt show up for work for 1 month
I still had my friends * i rather roll in bed in the dark then see the outside world
For the longest time i couldnt do anything, but try to sleep and then wake up to all this hurt pain and emptiness.
The emptiness engulfs you. . .into this void where there is only so much pain and hurt, its a numbing sort of excruciating pain;
and Everytime i felt so so bad,
all i saw was physical pain i would like to inflict on myself because
"hey, if it hurts more on the outside, it might overcome the pain inside"
i did, one day, i slashed my arms....not to kill myself, nothing.
just in a moment of pain where i couldnt deal with it.
There was blood everywhere,
gashes on my arm,
i didnt feel a thing
and
it still hurt like crazy inside.
It didnt help.
Now, its a scar to remind me how crazy i was,
how desperate i was
and
how it didnt solve anything.

When i went out to see my friends, i thought, this is what crowded loneliness feels like.
You are there with the people who love you and yet you dont feel better, you feel so alone.
When i tried to sleep, that was the worst.
The fear of closing your eyes fearing what vision comes into your mind.
The fear of falling asleep fearing what dreams may hurt you in your subconcious.
The fear of waking up fearing that you may not be able to deal with the day and yourself.

Slowly i felt better,
slowly i didnt feel like ending my life,
i stopped sleeping with a knife under my pillow for comfort,
slowly i started going out and surrounding myself with the friends you realise are so important because at the end, they are the ones who are there for you.
Slowly i thought maybe i can get through this.
You think you'll hate love forever, you think you'd never love again, never give yourself to another who might hurt you as much as he did.
You tell yourself, "When i feel better, i'll remember never to fall and i'll never hurt so"

You start doing anything to make yourself feel better.
Because if you could make yourself feel a bit better maybe slowly everything will start getting better.
I took drugs...marijuanna, anti-depressants
I drank.
I took time of work and just be by myself. My then boss, my uncle told me, take time off, go visit your friends in Melb or your sis in the states. Go somewhere.
But i didnt. . .
Because at the end of the day,
what you need to be able to do is be comfortable in your own skin.
You need to deal with yourself.
I spent all my savings. . .its only money, it can be made again.
Then i decided to do something, i re-did my whole room, i painted, i decorated.
It wasnt anything much, but by changing and healing what i surround myself with.
It was a change. . .

Slowly you stop registering every tingle of pain
every moment of memories
every teardrop that falls...
and slowly life takes over again without you even noticing it.

I truly believe things happens for a reason.
Someone, someone meaningless came into my life.
To make me move,
to make me realise,
to make me see that life still happens even when you want no part of it.
I made plans for work
I made plans for life
and
I appreciated the people and love around me

I still hurt, no doubt about that. . .
certain songs still bring instant heated tears to my eyes
certain smell still spiraled mee into depression
every memory still holds me back

I told myself there will never be anyone else * Then i met someone new. .
I told myself not to fall * but i have
I thought i'd never be happy that way again * but i am

NOW. . .in the present day,
I still remember the pain exactly,
apparently Readers Digest had an article about how females have this special braincell or something in their blood or whatever, that makes them remember pain exactly the way it felt no matter how long ago, words exchanged and memories...everything.
I still miss him occasionally.
I hate him but i remember the love then i realise its not hate...

BUT the thing is, i am healing...and i hope i am becoming a better person.

We all get through this; through time, through life, through people.
Time passes by
Life happens
People who love you will help you
New people you meet will give you hope again

Marcus Aurelius once said
"Nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear".
He might have been talking about something else i dont know, but to me, that means, that whatever is thrown at you, whatever happens, you can get through it. Just believe.

"Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this so"
He was meant to be in my life as i was in his.
He was meant to love me and he was meant to leave.
I just thought we were meant to be forever,

thats wrong,

because everything happens as it should.

I hope, whoever in pain,
reads this and finds solace and hope, to help them get through the pain and the hurt...
because when i was in pain,
i needed a story where someone understood my pain and survived it, to show me there is hope. .
that i will once again be on my feet.

Now, i'm standing on my feet once again,

i'm with someone who loves me,

he makes me happy,

yea, we have our kinks,

but which relationship doesnt.

Wish me luck!