the ENDs

In my sleep i hurt...and the sudden jolts of pain wakes me up through the night.
And finally in the morning i wake up to an empty hollow feeling in my gut.

I spend the day wandering around in a surreal state
I tell myself things i dont want to hear and that that i do.
I'm in conflict.
With myself.

I know, i know the things people want to tell me, i've told it all to myself.
It gets better with time.
Its not the end but a new beginning.
You just have to accept it and move on.
You need to get a rebound guy.
If its not meant to be you are better of with it ending now.
You dont wanna have to be worried in a relationship about when he is gonna leave.
You deserve better than this and you know that.
Just be strong. You know i'm always there if you need me.You are not alone.

I've said it all.

Its funny how adept i am about relationships.

When we first went out i told him, "you know, our relationship will end when you are 23....cause then we hit the 5 year plus point whereby a relationship stales and you wonder if this is it if this is all and at the same point you will only be 23 just starting to work, changing from a boy to a man...its vicious cycle and we wont survive through it"
And for 2 years of our relationship i handled our relationship like this.

Somehow along the years he had me convinced at "No, i will always love you and be there for you no matter what and we will grow old together".
Looking at our track record and all we've been through and that we were strong enough for each other to bear it all i thought this "forever" thing was definitely doable.
Maybe it was everyone telling me that we would last forever.
Oh well...
The vicious cycle was triggered off by my job that keeps me away for months that gets me frustrated.....and it was the start to the end of everything.

My advice to anyone, never make a promise thats not definite, it will end up hurting someone. Be it the person you made the promise to....or even yourself. Promises are not necessary.

Now he says we are on a "break"
I dun believe in a "break"
but yet i hold on to it as its the only thing that gives me hope.

This is a good and bad at the same time....
good as i will go on hoping and maybe one day realise hey this is better for me and it ended months ago
bad that this hope i hold onto will bring me greater devastation when the hope i hold on to shatters in my face

Yesterday i spoke to a friend, one whom i am not that close to, but one whom understands how i feel and its funny how she makes me feel better than anyone has since this whole epic ending started.
She said "Go ahead and hope, there is nothing wrong in that if it holds your hand through this, this may or may not be a good thing, but take this time to rediscover yourself and be the girl he fell in love with. Sometimes in a relationship, one becomes needy without knowing it and ends up suffocating the other....so take a breather and you dont know where it will lead you"

Ok maybe that wasnt her exact words but to that effect.
I think it made me feel better because its what i wanted to hear and yet it was justified.
It was a though given by someone that placated the conflict in me.