Here i am at work and i come across my colleague's book "If love is a game, THESE are the rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D
I respect that she believes she knows love enough to write about it and to do it in under 204 pages. Come on, i mean, who knows enough about love to write a book? However, as i attempt to read it further than the first few pages, i feel as though the more i read it the more holes i find, the more gray i see and the more hazy my vision of love. So to not further insult an author with a "Ph.D" [OOooO], i decided to give a short version of her long winded way of saying something.
* LOVE RULES *
1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
- Loving yourself is a prerrequisite to creating a successful union with another
[Cel's thoughts: i guess this makes enuff sense as if you do not love yourself enough to have confidence in yourself, i guess paranoia, insecurity and other issues would set into the relationship to gnaw at it, BUT is this a rule? Dont get the wrong meaning, "love yourself first" does not mean put yourself before others all the time.]
2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE
-The choice to be in a relation is up to you. You have the ability to attract your beloved and cause the relationship you desire to happen
[Cel's thoughts: How depressing would this one sentence be to a single person who attempts to read this somewhat of a 'guide' to the world of love. I mean, yea, it teaches you to be positive and to use mind over matter but really, what if there was plainly no one?]
- that love does not "just happen". It needs to be created in much the same way you would create anything else.
[Cel's thoughts: I agree that when 2 people find love you have to work WITH love for it to blossom. However, i do not believe you have to work FOR love then it isnt very real innit? AND sometimes, IT DOES JUST HAPPEN, its called chemistry. AND sometimes, LOVE grows on you, how does that come about if it doesnt just happen? I mean, hasnt everyone at one time of their lives' realise "Oh my god, i'm in love with ROSS - ala Rachel in 'friends'". Love grows and it happens - SOMETIMES YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE, you dont get to choose the one you love, you can only choose to stay, go ahead or leave]
3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS
- Moving from "I" to "we" requires a shift in perspective and energy. Being an authentic couple is an evolution
[Cel's thoughts: How hard can this woman make love and relationship sound? Really, in a relationship where 2 people love each other, they stumble thru it, learn from mistakes and cherish the moments. To make a relationship work, its boiled down to 5 FACTORS to be discussed below.
You can't create love, relationship is a process- yes, love is a process- yes but you cant say CREATING love is a process, who are you, god? So, if she says CREATING RELATIONSHIPS is a process then i would agree with what she says, the things a couple has to do - connection, exploration, evaluation, intimacy, commitment, compromise, patience, agreements.]
4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW
- Your relationship will serve as an unofficial 'lifeshop' in which you will learn about yourself and how you can grow on your personal path
[Cel's thoughts: This is something i do agree with her. In a relationship, you will definitely learn about yourself, how strong you are, how much you are willing to sacrifice, the best you can be, the worse you can be. This author does make sense, dont get me wrong, however, is this really a rule to love, its more of an observation. i believe in short, there are only 5 rules to love if there were to be rules. Lets call it pillars instead of rules. 5 PILLARS TO THE FOUNDATION OF LOVE, now thats just perfect.Sometimes when it comes to love, its best to limit the scope and cut it down to the real important issues.]
5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL
- The open exchange of thoughts and feelings is the lifeblood of your relationship
[Cel's thoughts: Hallelujah woman! You finally hit one nail in the head. COMMUNICATION a basic necessity in a relationship. ONE of the 5 pillars of LOVE. Communication is important to obtain CONNECTION. Real communication is more than just speaking and listening, it is also about creating passageways for expressions of thoughts and feelings to flow without hesitation and without fear of backlash - understanding - ]
- The 10 steps for effective communication [Cel's advice: WORTH reading]
a- Know what you want to communicate
b- Know what outcome you want from the conversation
c- Choose the right time and place
d- Release the emotion surrounding the message [Cel's thought: let out your anger before you communicate because you want your other half to focus on the content of what you are saying and not your emotion]
e- Set the stage
f- Speak from your feelings (rather than judgements)
g- Deliver your msg in the language (lingo) that the recipient will understand
h- Ask for confirmation, clarification and feedback
i- Switch roles as necessary [Cel's thought: Not roles in bed people but this is where you become the recipient and see what your other half has to say. As well, as put yourself in the other person's shoe and vice versa]
j- Obtain closure [Cel's thought: Define the outcome, like a summary].
Communication breakdown
-it breaks down in an instant, that one unconcious moment, the crossed signal or the unexpressed ASSUMPTION.
[Cel's thought: ASSUMPTIONS are a big NO NO, do not think "But he SHOULD know me, he knows me better than that, he SHOULd have bought me flowers - never assume, assumptions are the mother of all fcuk ups. Assumptions Presumptions Expectations BIG NO NO . ASK for what you want, SAY what you feel or think. NEVER expect the other person to always know]
- Bending the truth - a bent, withheld or broken truth is one of the surest way to erode communication and trust
[Cel's thought: i do agree however not totally, truth should be delivered but sometimes one has to evaluate the truth and the situation and sometimes its best to just express 90 degrees or 180 degrees of the truth and not the whole truth]
- React without defensiveness
6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED
- There will be times when you and your partner must work through impasses. If you do this conciously and with respect, you will learn to create win-win outcomes.
[Cel's thoughts: once again, is this a rule? its more of an AID to love and relationship than a rule. Nevertheless, this skill matters enuff, for when communication fails then the skill of negotiating comes into play, it is a process of sorting out who wants what and how to come up with the best solution, it deals with differences and it helps the couple deal with raw issues and settle it once and for all instead of having a big argument when such issues arises.
7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE CHALLENGED BY CHANGE
- Life presents turns in the road. How you maneuver those twists and turns determines the success of your relationship.
[Cel's thoughts- NOt a rule BUT DEFINITELY a process of love and relationship. CHANGE is a confirmed aspect of a relationship and the challenges that follow cannot be avoided. Change will put pressure on your foundation, it will test your commitment, it will poke at trust and it will shake the status quo of your relationship, it will move you out of the comfort zone. As the author puts it, its a Lifequake.]
- How to handle the change? Basic requirements : 1) A strong foundation; 2) flexibility
[Cel's thoughts: This is one topic where i am in total agreement with the author. A strong foundation provides the couple the ability to work through changes and flexibility provides the couple the skill to maneuver around the changes or with the changes]
8. YOU MUST NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE
- Treasure your beloved and your relationship will thrive
[Cel's thought: THIS IS WHERE I AM GETTING BORED and the author is grasping aimlessly to fill her book up]
9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY
- Happily ever after means the ability to keep the relationship fresh and vital
[Cel's thoughts: I agree with this fully. I mean, where do you think the term "5 yr itch & 7 year itch" came from. If in a relationship both or either one gets bored than the 'itch' sets in, therefore, renewal and keeping the relationship fresh is vital. As when a person is bored the eyes shall wonder and the mind will ponder and the heart shall eventually suffer]
10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE MOMENT YOU FALL IN LOVE
- You know all these rules inherently. The challenge is to remember them when you fall under the enchanting spell of love.
- Remember the rules and maintain your identity.
[Cel's thought: Never become the person, he or she fell in love with you for you in the first place]
[Cel's thought: How true is that! There are those who fall head over heels in love straightaway and forget everything, AND, there are those who have been burnt, those wide eyed with fear and bitterness who shall flinch away from love. Its all about balance, the key word is balance people. I mean, you fall in love and its all magic and fireworks, some of it is forever, some slowly sizzles out and some will just blow up in your face. So, how do you handle it.....by remembering some of the above BUT definitely a must to remember all of the below.]
THE PILLARS OF THE FOUNDATION OF LOVE
the recipe for the almost perfect relationship
by Celyn Goh [LL.B no Ph.D hahha]
1. LOVE
- the good old chemistry of love. Eventhough we cannot defined exactly what is love, it is a necessity to a relationship. The feeling, the vibes, the connection. The feeling that comforts yet disrupts you. The vibes that excite you and yet keeps you rooted. The connection of two people becoming one, where you meet your better half.
2. TRUST
- How could anyone who writes a book on love not touch on trust? TRUST between the couple is most important, for without trust any relationship no matter how good you are at communicating, no matter how much love would break down eventually. Not just trust in the other but the trust in one's self as well. Not just about the fidelity of the relationship but the future as well. TRUST is a must. Honesty is intertwined with trust, when you can trust, you can be honest to on another in anyway. And once you trust and honesty comes naturally then you can communicate. TRUST is a very delicate thing, once given treasure it and protect it as it is the hope diamond, for once betrayed, it could be lost forever.
3. COMMUNICATION
- As discussed above
CONNECTION & UNDERSTANDING
- You must always try and understand the other, always look at things from your other half's eyes. Try to understand why they did what they did and explain why you do what you do.
4. COMMITMENT
- One must be able to commit themselves to the relationship and to their other half. Without commitment, whats the point for the above. I do not mean you have to commit yourself fully for eternity immediately. But eventually, the want to commit should come into play. If it doesnt, why waste your effort and the person's heart?
5. LUST
- Eventhough listed at the end, LUST is a major factor in a relationship. I mean if there was a pie chart lust itself would take up half the pie. Its not shallow to place lust with such importance. Some people think that sex isnt that important. TRUE but intimacy is, passion is. A relationship full of love that lacks the passion and the intimacy [the LUST], doesnt it not just become a relationship between 2 great friends? LOVE without LUST its like love for a friend, for a brother. Of course lust by itself isnt enough but it sure stands for alot. LUST is a MUST.
THE recipe:
1 bag of LOve
2 satchels of trust
2 satchels of communication
1 pack of commitment
6 cups of LUst
A dash of patience
A tablespoon of forgiveness
1 litre of compromise
1 slab of respect
An injection of fresh air
Cook at a slow simmer
GIVES YOU THE near PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
Question is: Do you believe?
What is love?
A path of uncertainty,
Yet it brings tranquility,
Unknown is its definition,
Yet sought by all creation,
[c3Lcopyrightsreserved]
(For those interested in further discussions, peek at http://www.truthtree.com/love.shtml)
Labels: Love
