Dealing day by day

Listening to the waves rush to shore,
Realising there is no us anymore,
I thought we were forever,
But all i can do now is try to remember.

The sun shines brightly such a beautiful day,
One thing that together we no longer may,
enjoy in each other,
for now or forever.

I depend on hope,
addicted to it like dope,
But i run to despair
Instead of trying to repair.

To escape..

I wish i could do this everyday....forever

Have a glass of wine
Laze by the pool
And listen to the waves rushing to shore
and ignore reality...

To stand on my own again...

Here in a crowded space i sit,
somewhere where nothing fits,
i'm mmissing you,
even while doing something new.

In reality i cant hurt anymore,
but in dreams there's much in store,
dreaming with a broken heart
awakening to such a painful start.

Gravity leaves me earthbound,
but it was you with words so profound,
I cant seem to find my feet,
but maybe hopefully before we next meet...

I'll be my own person again,
and all this hurt i can refrain,
for you to love me once again,
to once more be on the same lane.

ITS over...

I need to acknowledge that there is no 6 months.

You said we are on a break and we havent broken up but truth be it, we have broken up and its over.

After our last good talk,
I left thinking that in 6 months time....u will come back and we will start our relationship afresh.....
NOT see if we want to try.....
because you say we are on a break.....we didnt break up....

I know we are supposed to take the 6 months to evaluate and change ourselves for the better and etc....
but i thought its so that when we start in 6 months time again....its new...its fresh....and its hopeful
and we will be better people and better for each other....a new healthier kind of love

As far as I remember that wasnt a presumption I made but what you said to me,
to trust you to come back and believe and hope in us,
that we will start afresh.

Coming back to me and looking for me in 6 months,
I realised there is a difference to that.
I thought you are coming back.
Someone advised you that in life no matter what, if you work hard for it, luck will eventually come alone.
Thing is, you have to want it to actually work hard for it.

I know you cant tell with matters of the heart.

But you can make decisions in life,
and my decisions is to not have this 6 months in my life.
So I can truly accept its over.
To properly mourn and not stay in denial of hope and believe and avoid reality.
So I can move on.

When I told you I had a relapse when everyone told me to let go and move on and you asked "can you?",
from that I guess thats what you want, and sometimes people just say what they HAVE to say and maybe you felt like you HAD to say 6 months,
to get rid of me and so that i will slowly realise its over and move on.
But sometimes I think, you also really just dont know and you really do just need this time to be alone and find yourself like you said.

But to move on, this 6 months has to no longer exist.

cliches

If you have a bird in your hand, and you squeeze to hard it will die.
If you loosen your grip, you are afraid it will fly away.
But if you let it go and it comes back, its yours for good.

Thing is, you arent a bird.
Its not as simple.
Hence why 6 months is only good in theory.

And i've already squeezed to hard and it has died.

Why is it that i need to have contact with people?

I know so i wont feel alone.


So, morning comes, i sit at my table, sign in to everything.

No email.

No message on msn.

or skype.


I check my phone, no calls, no messages.

sigh....


Start if a new day.

What a long day to go.

Late at night...

Times like this i feel earthbound,
wondering how the world still goes round,
When i can't even stel a glance,
when there isnt even a chance.

When the rain comes down,
before it touches the ground,
The droplets form your face,
and everything just stops its pace.

You tell me to believe,
but some of the things my mind can conceive,
The pain is unbearable,
but the little hope makes it tolerable.

Signs

i had a talk with bwee about believing in signs

so...

sunday morning we ended things positively...a break not a break up....
i am to leave you totally alone for 6 months
like i dont exist
i think me being in Penang bugs you too

so 3 days after, yesterday night
i changed my plan for the day to go meet a friend i havent seen for a bit
and her cousin so happened to be in town
and we all met up
and he was talking bout his job...

guess what
he met you yesterday
had a meeting with you
had lunch with you
sat in your car
Michael, Annie & Bernard

what does this say?

we were at bagan
as things were unfolding
roz got up to sing a song
and guess what song?
'ordinary people' by john legend

here i am taking small steps to get better
go out
get to work
socialise
eat
and *poof*
i am being confronted with 'you'

sigh...

Quoted from 'Being Lulubelle'

I hate that I know how this will go.
I hate that you can never never force someone to love
you the way you do them, that you can only sit, wait
and watch it turn sour.

People need to know that they are loved everyday.
So if you love someone, show them, tell them, appreciate them.

It takes 2 seconds to peck someone on the cheek,
text them, flick a gaze, and its meaning is tenfold,
tomorrow it could all fall apart.

a funny moment

Last night Gizmo slept right next to me the whole night
Before she fell asleep.....her backside was facing me and she farted in my face twice and fell asleep
Its funny and i just wanted to tell you

My arms is bruised where you grabbed me to stop my craziness
And my arms are sore
but i'm becoming better
i'm more in control of myself
i had to right a wrong
something so hard to do
but i managed to do it
and this puts me at peace
because i am clearing the path to a clean slate
and i m fixing myself

Let music drown out my thoughts
let it pick on my nerves
or sooth me with its sorrow

the thought of you stays still in my head
but you arent there

everytime i kiss you goodbye....
now that the real goodbye has come
i didnt even get to see you walk away from me

Do you know the feeling of being surrounded by people who care and love you......yet you still feel so alone?

a tribute to us

i miss you waking up gettin ready for work kissing me on my forehead before u leave
i miss your smell
i miss u calling me sweetie goh
i miss calling you baby
i miss you calling me bebek
i miss talking to you about nothing
i miss how when u sing you move move your head and do that cute face of yours
i miss your voice....when you talk...when you sing to me
i miss being able to see things and let them remind me of you
i miss getting things that you like for you and surprising you
i miss seeing you getting ready to shower
i miss seeing you with gizmo....with me....playing "chi kheng chu"
i miss you knowing me so well....what i want to eat...what i want to do....what i like
i miss lying around i bed with you
i miss how you annoy me to get on my nerves and play with me
i miss how you smile your dorky smile

i wish i could be telling you all this to your face....
i wish telling you all this makes you come back to me
i wish you were feeling the same instead of out somewhere having fun....