Where I am now...

15th March 2009 was my last post.

It has been a while since i've written. I don't remember at which point when but my blogging had a slow decline into a fullstop.

So i read a couple of my old post and realised "woah...that felt like a lifetime away". I feel like such a different person now but yet i am the same "same same but different". When i read the older post of life pre kev, i think of the past relationship, the memories and the end and the pain and i go..."what was that all about?". I dont even remember why i was that sad, i remember the pain but then now that its been so long and i've managed to extract myself from it and look at it from a 3rd party view, i go "she wanted to break up with him, she knew this thing wasnt good for her and she was sad when it ended" then i scratch my head and go "nyehh" and tra la la.

Back to the 15th of March 2009....that was just 8 months ago. A lifetime? Maybe.

We've bought a perfect lil house since.

I've gotten engaged.

I'm about to get registered in 16 days.

A WIFE.

AND i find myself of late going "woahh".

I never was the marrying type. I was never the kinda girl who grows up thinking of her poofy wedding gown and planning her wedding to the T. AND then thinking how many kids she wants and whats their names.

Now, you understand the "Woahhh".

haha.

A few friends respond to me getting married "Celyn Goh, gettin married? for real?", well not just a few friends, QUITE a few. AND a certain few from those quite a few asked "Are you sure this is what you really want?" Maybe those questions stem from my facebook status or my msn name "Whats cold feet? Try Frost Bitten Feet!" and of course my alter ego "Petrina Pan".

My married girlfriends tell me "Don't worry, its normal". Then i look at my *ahem* fiance [did i mention i cant say that word haha], he is so cool calm and collected. Makes me wonder? He is all like "i can't wait to get married to you" ; "i can't believe you are my wife" la la la and along those lines. Maybe the realisation of gettin hitched will hit him on the morning we get hitched itself? =p

Anyway, a close friend kept on telling me to think twice, kept on asking me if i am sure this is what i want.

I know i sound like i might flip and run away the night before the wedding, very Runaway Bride like. But as i talked with my friend about this and as i finished reading my old posts, i do want to do this, i know i do, as much as i am afraid.

Because, who wouldnt want to be married to someone as wonderful as my boo...
- he wakes up showers kisses me and makes his coffee and lets me sleep in
- he then gently wakes me up and sends me into the shower
- he makes me toasted ham & cheese sandwich
- he makes me coffee and brings it up to my office
- he is such a good cuddler
- he smells so yummy
la la la and so much more

The cynical people out there would go, "God..she needs to make a list to realise that she does wanna get hitched?"
Blahhh to you cynical ones.
The list is just something to remind me in the future when we hit some rocky bits, how great a guy i have and how lucky i am.
I know some of you may say, "havent married and already thinking of rocky bits" but hey, its reality.

Rita Rudner: "It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

I use to write to express, now i find it nice to read and remember...

On the relationship front, i've been thru quite a ride.

Things i have never experience, never thought i would have, now i have.

Thoughts i never thought would cross my mind, now has.

Things i never thought i wanted, now i crave real bad.

Things i use to care about, have become small matters.

Regardless of the above,

I am now trying to live without wanting so much materialistic monetary things and without beating myself up for not being successful

I am now trying to live within my means and accept it and be happy about it.

Because,

when i dont think of those immaterial things, i dont get upset and i am satisfied with where i am in life, with what i have.

August 11th, 2008 thats the last time i wrote.

i guess i have run out of things to talk about.

is that what happens when people end up in a steady relationship?

also, i guess lately, there are so many taboo topics and so much under current going on in my surrounding.

certain things not to be mention. certain names. certain people.

it gets quite restrictive.

human nature diversifies so much from when single to partnered up, and in the bigger picture, it doesnt just affect that individual, sometimes i think, it affects the surroundings as well.

people get attached
people want QT
people become monotonous
people become busier

so, i guess i am guilty of the same.

but hey, all part of growing up.

we bond, we mature, we go our separate ways.

Things have been good.

Always so happy.

Sometimes i think my heart is going to burst with the love i have for him.

Yet, its so conflicting, i am on the island to be with him but i hate my job and i see no way of making the extra dollars.

Financially my future looks kinda bleak.

AND i hate it that i am now goin to be 30 in a year and yet, career wise, i am so not anywhere yet?!

BUT but BUT . . . everytime i look at him, i'm just so happy.

AND so lucky, to have someone like him,

yes we are as different as day and night,

yes we are gonna face problems in the future,

but i'm so lucky . . .

to have someone who cares so much for me,

who jumps over to me the moment i go "Ow!!",

who would try and do anything to make me happy,

who is an impatient person yet patient with me,

who wakes up in the morning, says "Good morning boo" kisses me and goes back to sleep.

i can go on & on, but i better stop, my hearts gonna burst!

ok so i hate my job and i see no future but screw it

i'll survive on love for now!

availability

When we are too available, does that make them want us less? Miss us less?

Looking back at our messages to and fro,
at the start of the relationship, he use to be ...
"But i wanna hug you to sleep tonite?"
"Am i seeing you tonite?"
and at the messages for when i am away...
"Food not good without you .... i miss you boo...muax"
"I never stopped missing you from the day i sent you off"

to the messages now...
"Are you having dinner on your own or with me? Cause i'm going out by 9"
"i'm home dee, you want me to come up and find you?"

The enthusiasm to see me now is lacking, and over the weekend, he tells me i suffocate him, that i am always there like on the weekends "sleep, wake up, lunch, afternoon, evening, night".
Stoopid me, i thought we enjoyed each other's company and spending time with each other.
Everytime i asked if i was suffocating him or something to that extent, his answer "no, boo, you are always assuming things, you think too much".

And then now this....
hmm....
ok enough is enough
i did mentioned no more negative vibes bad messages to the universe

But i was just wondering, when does the game end?
When can 2 people just be with each other in comfort without worrying, am i too available? am i suffocating him? should i seem a bit distant to keep his interest?
For me, i kept on going and spending time with him, cause i love him. And i thought, as one gets older, you just want someone whose company you love and vice versa.

the Secret

There is much hype over this book called "The Secret".

The Laws of Attraction being the Law of the Universe.

I was quite obssessed with sending the right messages to the universe and to a certain extent i believe in in.

I wanted someone to love me and i kept looking to the past for someone and true enough someone from my past showed up and loves me, albeit someone totally unexpected.

Things were happy tra la la sunshinny puffy clouds candy floss good and then we had our first ermm argument?
Well then the negative vibes set in, and since then i forgot about sending the right message to the universe, instead i kept on repeating everything bad, "This isnt going to work out" "We are so not meant to be" etc.

Our arguments have become more frequent and more hurtful and more tiring.
Last weekend being the worse.

Then i suddenly remembered, i am totally sending all the wrong vibes out to the universe, dooming our relationship and clouding it with negative vibes.

When we first got together, i believed he was the one, the one i'd end up with and everything was geared and going nice in that direction.

Now, with all the negative vibes clouding our relationship, that forever possibility seems even further away and even more impossible.
BUT i shall change this way of thinking.
I shall wipe away all negativity and try to make this sunshiney puffy white clouds candy floss happy again.

No more STINKING THINKING!

Now i wish i could just get him to wash away all negative thoughts.

butterflies emerging from the cocoon

I remember i said i would write about how bad i felt,
how the pain engulfed me, how i managed my days,
how i got to be where i am today,
wherever this is . . .

I never thought i would ever think of ending my life,
but through the bad days that was the only thought that could carry me through the day,
"hey...if i really cant take it anymore, i can just end it all, this will always be my last chance of escape".

Though i frequently thought of this, i knew i'd never do it,
thing is, you dont plan this things,
you just do it when you are so desperate to escape the pain you wake up to everyday.
BUT my friend asked me this,
"Love, what makes you think, if you end your life, you escape all the pain? Its your soul thats hurting not your body. Maybe after you die, your soul keeps repeating the pain and the day you die over and over and over again".

And i thought, wow.. .i never thought of that.

I felt like my whole world came crushing down on me.
I never thought i depended on him too much.
I still had my job * i didnt show up for work for 1 month
I still had my friends * i rather roll in bed in the dark then see the outside world
For the longest time i couldnt do anything, but try to sleep and then wake up to all this hurt pain and emptiness.
The emptiness engulfs you. . .into this void where there is only so much pain and hurt, its a numbing sort of excruciating pain;
and Everytime i felt so so bad,
all i saw was physical pain i would like to inflict on myself because
"hey, if it hurts more on the outside, it might overcome the pain inside"
i did, one day, i slashed my arms....not to kill myself, nothing.
just in a moment of pain where i couldnt deal with it.
There was blood everywhere,
gashes on my arm,
i didnt feel a thing
and
it still hurt like crazy inside.
It didnt help.
Now, its a scar to remind me how crazy i was,
how desperate i was
and
how it didnt solve anything.

When i went out to see my friends, i thought, this is what crowded loneliness feels like.
You are there with the people who love you and yet you dont feel better, you feel so alone.
When i tried to sleep, that was the worst.
The fear of closing your eyes fearing what vision comes into your mind.
The fear of falling asleep fearing what dreams may hurt you in your subconcious.
The fear of waking up fearing that you may not be able to deal with the day and yourself.

Slowly i felt better,
slowly i didnt feel like ending my life,
i stopped sleeping with a knife under my pillow for comfort,
slowly i started going out and surrounding myself with the friends you realise are so important because at the end, they are the ones who are there for you.
Slowly i thought maybe i can get through this.
You think you'll hate love forever, you think you'd never love again, never give yourself to another who might hurt you as much as he did.
You tell yourself, "When i feel better, i'll remember never to fall and i'll never hurt so"

You start doing anything to make yourself feel better.
Because if you could make yourself feel a bit better maybe slowly everything will start getting better.
I took drugs...marijuanna, anti-depressants
I drank.
I took time of work and just be by myself. My then boss, my uncle told me, take time off, go visit your friends in Melb or your sis in the states. Go somewhere.
But i didnt. . .
Because at the end of the day,
what you need to be able to do is be comfortable in your own skin.
You need to deal with yourself.
I spent all my savings. . .its only money, it can be made again.
Then i decided to do something, i re-did my whole room, i painted, i decorated.
It wasnt anything much, but by changing and healing what i surround myself with.
It was a change. . .

Slowly you stop registering every tingle of pain
every moment of memories
every teardrop that falls...
and slowly life takes over again without you even noticing it.

I truly believe things happens for a reason.
Someone, someone meaningless came into my life.
To make me move,
to make me realise,
to make me see that life still happens even when you want no part of it.
I made plans for work
I made plans for life
and
I appreciated the people and love around me

I still hurt, no doubt about that. . .
certain songs still bring instant heated tears to my eyes
certain smell still spiraled mee into depression
every memory still holds me back

I told myself there will never be anyone else * Then i met someone new. .
I told myself not to fall * but i have
I thought i'd never be happy that way again * but i am

NOW. . .in the present day,
I still remember the pain exactly,
apparently Readers Digest had an article about how females have this special braincell or something in their blood or whatever, that makes them remember pain exactly the way it felt no matter how long ago, words exchanged and memories...everything.
I still miss him occasionally.
I hate him but i remember the love then i realise its not hate...

BUT the thing is, i am healing...and i hope i am becoming a better person.

We all get through this; through time, through life, through people.
Time passes by
Life happens
People who love you will help you
New people you meet will give you hope again

Marcus Aurelius once said
"Nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear".
He might have been talking about something else i dont know, but to me, that means, that whatever is thrown at you, whatever happens, you can get through it. Just believe.

"Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this so"
He was meant to be in my life as i was in his.
He was meant to love me and he was meant to leave.
I just thought we were meant to be forever,

thats wrong,

because everything happens as it should.

I hope, whoever in pain,
reads this and finds solace and hope, to help them get through the pain and the hurt...
because when i was in pain,
i needed a story where someone understood my pain and survived it, to show me there is hope. .
that i will once again be on my feet.

Now, i'm standing on my feet once again,

i'm with someone who loves me,

he makes me happy,

yea, we have our kinks,

but which relationship doesnt.

Wish me luck!

its been a while. . .

its been a while that i feel like writing, that i felt a tinge of sadness, but lately. . . ...

.. . . . . lately i think of you a lot.. . .

i wonder how much you must detest me or how relieve you are to have me out of your life,

that you no longer bother about me in anyway

the other day i called you and i told you, "i miss your presence in my life, not in boyfriend capacity but just your presence", i thought you would still care, enough to still be in each other's lives...but hmm.
after 5 years being in a person's life, i cant help but miss you.

now when i reflect back, i know how much you tried to make me happy.
you gave your all and then some. . .
thats why at the end there was nothing left to give but to walk away and cause me hurt so i could set you free
and maybe thats why now that you are free . . . you are free .


i am to blame for my own hurt sometimes.
you did so much for me and gave so much to me,
and when i look back i was never satisfied and i always wanted more.
i didnt know how good i had it,
actually maybe i knew.
but maybe cause you would always accomodate me i kept on pushing my luck.
what i did burned you out and along with it any love you had left for me. . .

sometimes i think its just about how people reflect on things from the past and what they derive from it
so far i have realised the above, how true it is and if thats the way things really were i don't know, because it wasnt just all me. .
maybe you didnt do so much,
maybe i wanted more cause you lied to me,
maybe you hated what you did and not do it out of love hence why you hated yourself at the end,
BUT whatever happen whatever i derive out of it...
its pointless . . . because this is all so over

When a door closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

"Contentment is not the fulfilment of what you want, it is the realisation of how much you already have"

But then again, do you only want to be contented with life? hmmm . . .
best to stop before i spiral out of reasonable thoughts

A new adventure ?

I am embarking on yet another path again.
Back to LAW it is.

Plans are made to be changed.
For the longest time i couldnt plan anything because i never had anything to hold me down and i never really knew what i wanted.

Now i have someone to keep my grounded and i have a new guildeline for me to keep to.
Plus, i actually know what i want, confirmed and real.
I want to have my own business.
I want a restaurant.
I want a bar.
I want a boutique.
A shoe shop.
A bag & accessories shop
& finally maybe my own label.

I want it all. . .gimme the world!!!
=p

But you gotta remember, while striving for it all you also gotta learn to be satisfied with what you have.
Because at the end, you dont wanna look back at your life and never really living it.
Because sometimes, while striving for the world, you forget to live your life and appreciate what you already have. . .

When do you say "when!" ?

I havent written in a while because i've been....happy.
Just happy.
Simple as that.

I have a guy who loves me as much as i've always wanted someone to love me.
And i want this guy to be the one i spend my tomorrows with.

But you know the feeling, when you are by the sea before a storm comes in. . .
It feels so good...sitting there....enjoying the breeze, the gloomy skies and the clear greenish colour the sea is with the clouds hovering above.
It feels good, but it still storms in.


- When do you know to say - WHEN!
To leave the sea behind, run into your car & avoid the storm. . .
Or;
Wait for the storm to hit and see how you come out of it and assess the damage down to you..

I LOVE YOU boo.
So so much.
But sometimes i feel you arent the one for me.
Deep down maybe i know you arent right for me.
We are so different.
Different lives.
Different people.
Different wants.
Different interests.
Different future.
For now. . .i love you so much i would do anything to make US work.
I've quit my job, I've changed professions, I am staying still in a place where i see no progress where i am stuck in a rutt
AND . . . i am worried.

I am worried i am even further away from the life that i want for myself.
I am worried i am digging a deeper hole to cover the previous hole.
I am worried i changed the characters in the movie BUT the storyline is still the same.
Only with an older more mature nicer better main guy character but with the same views on life.

Maybe i want this to work so bad because i am afraid to be alone, because i'm tired of meeting people...
OR;
because i love you so much.

If so, is LOVE ENOUGH?
Previous experiences in life answers, NO, love isnt enough.
Looking around friends whose relationships crumble and come to an end, answers NO.

.. . . . . . .... so tell me, when do i say WHEN ?

What might it feel like to not be crippled by fear and self loathing....

Life's bad blah blahs

My auto-runaway-train of thoughts took over me...
together with massive PMSing,
then i told him that we wouldnt work in the long run
that i cant be simple...
eventually i wont be contented...
and that i am ultimately messed up...

Why do i always do this?
Why do i always kill something good in my life?
i swear i need to get my head examined.

I love him so much and he makes me so happy.
Yes, we should always live in the now.

- There are 2 eternities that can really break you down.
Yesterday & Tommorow.
One is gone and the other doesnt exist, so live today -

BUT
there is a tomorrow isnt there?
How can we say tomorrow won't come, tomorrow always comes.
AND what if when it comes it wont be good right and happy?

FABphotos are up!

New photos are up at
www.fabphotos.blogspot.com

trippin' gigglin' luvvin'

I feel like a Wood Nymph trippin' on smackies
all luvved up
all giggly
all smacked out
My bOo he does that to me
makes me wayyyy happy
so i decided . . .

I'm not going to let the auto runaway train of thoughts in my head get one up of me.
I'm not going to overthink things as i normally do and drive myself insanely loco.
I'm gonna take 1 step at a time!

Bubble burstin'

Sometimes when you are too happy, you get worried.
Worried . . . waitin for somethin bad to happen.
You know, like when you watch the movies, everythin is so sunshinny happy tra la la then *poW* somethin bad always happens.
Some of you might agree how that happens not only in the movies but in real life as well.
OK ok, some of you might think, "Only pessimistic people would think too much and dampen the mood on something good".
But at this age, one has to think clearly and make right decisions in life.

Reality rears its ugly head and burst the happy bubble we sometimes live in.
Well for me, i stay not only SOMETIMES in the bubble, but i dont ever wanna come out of it. I wanna live forever in it?
My COCOON.

Thing is, sometimes you gotta exit the cocoon to become a beeeeeyoooteefool* butterfly.
Sometimes, we just have to face reality, adept to it and conquer it the way you know how.

So, do i stay in my cocoon? Or should i try becoming a butterfly?

STORY goes like this. . .

Girl, struggling and fumbling to climb up from the down low in life.
Girl met boy, makes her wayyyyy wayyyy happy!
And as mentioned before, happiness is an elusive emotion so grab onto it with dear life.
Girl, decides to quit her family business, which was a job that at times depressed her but at times she found challenging and thrilling with boundless opportunities with plans made and lotsa Benjamins rollin' in.
Girl, chooses to remain on the lil island to hold onto this new found euphoria they call happiness.
Boy says, "Dont make your decision based on me".
Boy doesnt know, he is the biggest pro point in Girl staying on the island.

Boys & girls out there, sometimes becareful what you wish for.
Girl here, use to wish for a simple life with a nice boy and trust me, the universe does get your signal and sends you what you want.
So be specific when wishing for anything.

Anyway, STORY continues.. .
Boy is correct.
Never make your decision based on someone else.
Because eventually in the future somewhere, the problem will arise.
Girl wun blame Boy but Boy might feel guilty anyway then Girl might start thinking and agreeing. . .
ALL these negative vibes setting in. . .hmmm

Girl, wishes she was simple and easily contented.
Girl thought thats what she wanted.
But a leopard cant change its spots.
Girl will always be complicated. Girl will always want more in life.

Boy, simple, contented and happy with life.
Girl loves boy exactly the way he is.
Wouldnt want him to ever change.
Because, to be simple and contented in life, is a GIFT.

BUT so different, this Boy and this Girl.
How would it work?

So, should i stay in this warm comfy happy cocoon with him?
and, ENJOY THE NOW?
Hey, maybe if i was still you know 21?
Or should i, allow my brains that work on massive overtime take charge and get hold of reality.
I might emerge a butterfly?



BUT i remember saying --> When you are happy, everything else falls into place.

My bunny

His smile melts the inner core of me
makes me happy, sunshine lollipop fluffy clouds happy
His voice gives me the tickles
and all i wanna do is smile grin & giggle

2nd Chances

Its funny, how happiness comes and swoops you along when you least expect it. . .

You may think - "Shit! This chick was like massively depressed and poof she is fine?!?! As if!"
Trust me getting here was not easy.
The process i went through physically, mentally and emotionally...has made me a better person.
And with that, i hope, i manage better this time.

I gotta say life has not been this good for a long time, things with the family are good, friends are great. . .and love...mmm sweet love. Funny how the presence of a person could change your way of thinking and so much more.
Everything seems more puurrrrrty. You know what they say about rose tinted glasses. Its pinkish? :p

Unexpected Expectations

The sun is shining,
With the clouds approaching,
The heat pricks on my skin,
With the wind blowing in.
Shall the sun keep on shinning,
Or shall the rain come falling?
You'll never know. . .
such is the workings of life.

So much has happened since my last few post over the past few months.
I was depressed, i was crazy, i was happy. . .it was a crazy cycle of crashing emotions.

Part of me just wanted to delete this Blog and to start a new one, but i miss my old blog so i dont want to end up missing this one too.

You are who you are.
So the past happenings shaped me to be the person i am today, for that i believe they are not meant to be deleted.

Work wise. . .
I've quit the family business.
It was a hard decision and yet made quite easily.
I remember my job depressing me but yet this job had boundless opportunities.
I went to KL spoke to my aunt and uncle, both surprisingly totally understanding and says i am welcome back anytime.

I had to weight out the pros and cons
PG v KL
Love, Family vs Career, Money

So i chose.

Happiness is an elusive emotion, so once around, why not hold onto it?
I know i am at an age where i should plan for the future but then i just want to be happy.
"Making a life, and making a living, are 2 different things" Maya Angelou

When you are happy, everything else falls into place.

2 months back, into the New Year, i managed to accept, to let go and now i've moved on.
To finally move on from something you wanted over for the longest time, makes you feel free, liberated.
One day, with time, i shall write about how depressed i was, how insane i was and how today i am fine and happy.
And may it be an example for those, who are in the midst of depression, that no matter how bad, you have to hold on, for life to get better and for things to work out.
I know in my past post i was negative and i've given up on everything, but hey you know what they say bout hitting rock bottom, there is no where to go but up!

L I F E

Of late my life has taken a rough ride downhill on super high speed.

At first i was just mulling in depression.

Then i tried to pick myself up and move on.

Things happen for a reason.

Someone came into my life to move me from this shelf at the down low to another shelf... but hey at least i moved.

Then someone i could actually like...actually finding myself fond of came into my life to make me realise i've become a needy desperate kind of person who i never was.

But then again, i thought, maybe i already was spiralling down that desperate path before i met you.

Maybe i came out of the factory line defected.

Why force yourself to move on when mentally and emotionally it isnt happening.

Now i am frustrated....lonely....and worse is that i feel this empty void inside me which i am starting to fill by stuffing my face.

Then i realised, i was more at peace being depressed. Well then again, i didnt have to work then so maybe it was easier to stay in my cocoon of weed wine and happy pills.

You see.....everyone tells you life gets better. You grow up thinking life gets better.

Ok...not that i want to be the epitome of all negativity, but, living for 28 years as each year goes by....
i notice life doesnt get better....it usually just gets worse.
So i'm going to stop telling myself that life gets better, because that is an expectation and definitely one setting you for massive downfall.
So if you down expect, then you dont get disappointed, then you would be able to deal with the reality of life.
That it doesnt get better, you just have to learn how to deal with life.

I've had enough of all those perky blah blahs -
"You don't know whats gonna happen"
"Something is gonna surprise you"
"wait for the surprises life has in store for you"

True i don't know what is gonna happen in life, but i know it isnt going to get better....
L I F E . . . Just deal with it

Negativity

I am a negative person, so i've been told.

Truth is, i don't have to be told this to know it.

Thing is though, i never use to be.

I use to believe, if i want this, i can make it happen. And i normally do.

But now, i automatically, assume the worse of a scenario but then again, can you blame me?
With recurring occurences, where BAD is the norm, negativity becomes a habit.

And habits are hard to quit.

Sporadic spurts

YOU TEXT AND MESSED ME UP A BIT

"WAS YESTERDAY AWKWARD? I THINK IT WAS A BIT... :) ...DONT WANNA MAKE
YOU THINK OTHERWISE...THOSE R FRIENDS...I'M TEXTING CAUZ I DONT WANNA
WORSEN THE SITUATION AS THINGS R QUITE OK NOW ... :D"

I REPLIED

"YEA A BIT I GUESS BUT DOESNT AFFECT OR BOTHER ME. FYI I HAVENT
THOUGHT OF YOU FOR A WHILE EXCEPT FOR WHEN YOU TEXT, AND I'VE BEEN
QUITE HAPPY. DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF, NO REASON. I'M
HAPPIER...MOVING ON WITH LIFE....AROUND PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME :) "

AND HE SAID

"OK :)"

WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY..... -

You have to stop thinking of how you affect me. Cause you no longer do
and your existence in my life is slowly fading away.

Yes yesterday was ackward but thats normal....we were together for
over 5 years and now we arent anymore. So yea....

So you were with girls, its nothing to do with me and nothing new to me.
I dont wanna hear your explanations, cause i dunno which are lies and
which arent and frankly i dun care either.

I dont think of you anymore.

You dont want us, and frankly, now as i m getting myself back, i
realise its your loss not mine.
I may have had a bad temper and said horrible things but i was a good gf.
I have a lot of good points and i'm special in my lil way and lotsa
people love me.
You not wanting to, its your lost. Cause i know you wont find someone
like me again. But i do wish you love and happiness.
To another who knows how to appreciate me, its his gain.
And i am realising that.

Dealing day by day

Listening to the waves rush to shore,
Realising there is no us anymore,
I thought we were forever,
But all i can do now is try to remember.

The sun shines brightly such a beautiful day,
One thing that together we no longer may,
enjoy in each other,
for now or forever.

I depend on hope,
addicted to it like dope,
But i run to despair
Instead of trying to repair.

To escape..

I wish i could do this everyday....forever

Have a glass of wine
Laze by the pool
And listen to the waves rushing to shore
and ignore reality...

To stand on my own again...

Here in a crowded space i sit,
somewhere where nothing fits,
i'm mmissing you,
even while doing something new.

In reality i cant hurt anymore,
but in dreams there's much in store,
dreaming with a broken heart
awakening to such a painful start.

Gravity leaves me earthbound,
but it was you with words so profound,
I cant seem to find my feet,
but maybe hopefully before we next meet...

I'll be my own person again,
and all this hurt i can refrain,
for you to love me once again,
to once more be on the same lane.

ITS over...

I need to acknowledge that there is no 6 months.

You said we are on a break and we havent broken up but truth be it, we have broken up and its over.

After our last good talk,
I left thinking that in 6 months time....u will come back and we will start our relationship afresh.....
NOT see if we want to try.....
because you say we are on a break.....we didnt break up....

I know we are supposed to take the 6 months to evaluate and change ourselves for the better and etc....
but i thought its so that when we start in 6 months time again....its new...its fresh....and its hopeful
and we will be better people and better for each other....a new healthier kind of love

As far as I remember that wasnt a presumption I made but what you said to me,
to trust you to come back and believe and hope in us,
that we will start afresh.

Coming back to me and looking for me in 6 months,
I realised there is a difference to that.
I thought you are coming back.
Someone advised you that in life no matter what, if you work hard for it, luck will eventually come alone.
Thing is, you have to want it to actually work hard for it.

I know you cant tell with matters of the heart.

But you can make decisions in life,
and my decisions is to not have this 6 months in my life.
So I can truly accept its over.
To properly mourn and not stay in denial of hope and believe and avoid reality.
So I can move on.

When I told you I had a relapse when everyone told me to let go and move on and you asked "can you?",
from that I guess thats what you want, and sometimes people just say what they HAVE to say and maybe you felt like you HAD to say 6 months,
to get rid of me and so that i will slowly realise its over and move on.
But sometimes I think, you also really just dont know and you really do just need this time to be alone and find yourself like you said.

But to move on, this 6 months has to no longer exist.

cliches

If you have a bird in your hand, and you squeeze to hard it will die.
If you loosen your grip, you are afraid it will fly away.
But if you let it go and it comes back, its yours for good.

Thing is, you arent a bird.
Its not as simple.
Hence why 6 months is only good in theory.

And i've already squeezed to hard and it has died.

Why is it that i need to have contact with people?

I know so i wont feel alone.


So, morning comes, i sit at my table, sign in to everything.

No email.

No message on msn.

or skype.


I check my phone, no calls, no messages.

sigh....


Start if a new day.

What a long day to go.

Late at night...

Times like this i feel earthbound,
wondering how the world still goes round,
When i can't even stel a glance,
when there isnt even a chance.

When the rain comes down,
before it touches the ground,
The droplets form your face,
and everything just stops its pace.

You tell me to believe,
but some of the things my mind can conceive,
The pain is unbearable,
but the little hope makes it tolerable.

Signs

i had a talk with bwee about believing in signs

so...

sunday morning we ended things positively...a break not a break up....
i am to leave you totally alone for 6 months
like i dont exist
i think me being in Penang bugs you too

so 3 days after, yesterday night
i changed my plan for the day to go meet a friend i havent seen for a bit
and her cousin so happened to be in town
and we all met up
and he was talking bout his job...

guess what
he met you yesterday
had a meeting with you
had lunch with you
sat in your car
Michael, Annie & Bernard

what does this say?

we were at bagan
as things were unfolding
roz got up to sing a song
and guess what song?
'ordinary people' by john legend

here i am taking small steps to get better
go out
get to work
socialise
eat
and *poof*
i am being confronted with 'you'

sigh...

Quoted from 'Being Lulubelle'

I hate that I know how this will go.
I hate that you can never never force someone to love
you the way you do them, that you can only sit, wait
and watch it turn sour.

People need to know that they are loved everyday.
So if you love someone, show them, tell them, appreciate them.

It takes 2 seconds to peck someone on the cheek,
text them, flick a gaze, and its meaning is tenfold,
tomorrow it could all fall apart.

a funny moment

Last night Gizmo slept right next to me the whole night
Before she fell asleep.....her backside was facing me and she farted in my face twice and fell asleep
Its funny and i just wanted to tell you

My arms is bruised where you grabbed me to stop my craziness
And my arms are sore
but i'm becoming better
i'm more in control of myself
i had to right a wrong
something so hard to do
but i managed to do it
and this puts me at peace
because i am clearing the path to a clean slate
and i m fixing myself

Let music drown out my thoughts
let it pick on my nerves
or sooth me with its sorrow

the thought of you stays still in my head
but you arent there

everytime i kiss you goodbye....
now that the real goodbye has come
i didnt even get to see you walk away from me

Do you know the feeling of being surrounded by people who care and love you......yet you still feel so alone?

a tribute to us

i miss you waking up gettin ready for work kissing me on my forehead before u leave
i miss your smell
i miss u calling me sweetie goh
i miss calling you baby
i miss you calling me bebek
i miss talking to you about nothing
i miss how when u sing you move move your head and do that cute face of yours
i miss your voice....when you talk...when you sing to me
i miss being able to see things and let them remind me of you
i miss getting things that you like for you and surprising you
i miss seeing you getting ready to shower
i miss seeing you with gizmo....with me....playing "chi kheng chu"
i miss you knowing me so well....what i want to eat...what i want to do....what i like
i miss lying around i bed with you
i miss how you annoy me to get on my nerves and play with me
i miss how you smile your dorky smile

i wish i could be telling you all this to your face....
i wish telling you all this makes you come back to me
i wish you were feeling the same instead of out somewhere having fun....

the ENDs

In my sleep i hurt...and the sudden jolts of pain wakes me up through the night.
And finally in the morning i wake up to an empty hollow feeling in my gut.

I spend the day wandering around in a surreal state
I tell myself things i dont want to hear and that that i do.
I'm in conflict.
With myself.

I know, i know the things people want to tell me, i've told it all to myself.
It gets better with time.
Its not the end but a new beginning.
You just have to accept it and move on.
You need to get a rebound guy.
If its not meant to be you are better of with it ending now.
You dont wanna have to be worried in a relationship about when he is gonna leave.
You deserve better than this and you know that.
Just be strong. You know i'm always there if you need me.You are not alone.

I've said it all.

Its funny how adept i am about relationships.

When we first went out i told him, "you know, our relationship will end when you are 23....cause then we hit the 5 year plus point whereby a relationship stales and you wonder if this is it if this is all and at the same point you will only be 23 just starting to work, changing from a boy to a man...its vicious cycle and we wont survive through it"
And for 2 years of our relationship i handled our relationship like this.

Somehow along the years he had me convinced at "No, i will always love you and be there for you no matter what and we will grow old together".
Looking at our track record and all we've been through and that we were strong enough for each other to bear it all i thought this "forever" thing was definitely doable.
Maybe it was everyone telling me that we would last forever.
Oh well...
The vicious cycle was triggered off by my job that keeps me away for months that gets me frustrated.....and it was the start to the end of everything.

My advice to anyone, never make a promise thats not definite, it will end up hurting someone. Be it the person you made the promise to....or even yourself. Promises are not necessary.

Now he says we are on a "break"
I dun believe in a "break"
but yet i hold on to it as its the only thing that gives me hope.

This is a good and bad at the same time....
good as i will go on hoping and maybe one day realise hey this is better for me and it ended months ago
bad that this hope i hold onto will bring me greater devastation when the hope i hold on to shatters in my face

Yesterday i spoke to a friend, one whom i am not that close to, but one whom understands how i feel and its funny how she makes me feel better than anyone has since this whole epic ending started.
She said "Go ahead and hope, there is nothing wrong in that if it holds your hand through this, this may or may not be a good thing, but take this time to rediscover yourself and be the girl he fell in love with. Sometimes in a relationship, one becomes needy without knowing it and ends up suffocating the other....so take a breather and you dont know where it will lead you"

Ok maybe that wasnt her exact words but to that effect.
I think it made me feel better because its what i wanted to hear and yet it was justified.
It was a though given by someone that placated the conflict in me.

The salty streaks on my face
The pain in my eyes
All the pain which leaves a trace
And everything seems like such lies

I know everything
and yet i dont know when its over
my heart aches and no longer sings
I can't wait for all this to be over

new photos on FABPHOTOS

www.fabphotos.blogspot.com

i finally posted my photos from Siem Reap.

Yes i know it took me half a year.

BUT in my defence my job sucks so i dont have time.

And now that i finally posted it up, in haste and at 2am in China when i gotta get up at 6am, i just wanna get it done.

ITs done and its not done right, and i dun care!

Wait i do care

no nono.....dont CARE!

ughhh

shoot me

My 70s Show

Who would play who?

Eric Forman - See Thuan Un
Hyde - Lee Beng Wee
Kelso - John Tan
Fez - Adrian Soon
Donna - Farah Aziz
Jackie - Nina Jinadasa

the X files

Sometimes you dont remember things as well as the other party or more like.....maybe they saw the whole relationship different than how you saw it.

Which is it?
Maybe a bit of both.

So that night while out waiting my flight to chittychina, the X was along for company and we chatted and for the first time in almost a decade we werent just normal buddies but actually Xs.

We talked about us as an "us".

Apparently i was a psycho-control-freak!
I needed to know where he was who he was with.
He wasnt allowed to do this or that blah blah blah.
And thats why he didnt want to be with me.
Thats what he remembered. Though he remembers that we hardly had any arguments.

But when i look at myself now, i am so not that person.
I get suffocated.
After him i didnt even want to get into relationships.
He said after he told me about being the psycho control freak,
I said i would change and thanks to him i will.
So i wonder if its really because of him i changed?
Or more like maybe he changed me into the psycho-control-freak that i was while with him.

Thing is yes, i remember a bit about wanting to know what he was doing who he was with.
Though it was because he always made me paranoid.
He left someone for me.
He told his friend he didnt have a new girlfriend right in front of me.
He told me his friends were more important to him than me.
So yea.....this lil things drove me loco.

Bottomline i think i finally got the closure i needed after a decade.
Yea sad i know.
But sometimes things build on nuthing until they really become something.

Discovery Channel : Astrology Section

Can someone with some knowledge about planetary alignment and how it affects one's life, please give me your 1800 number and i'd be calling for some advice.

Cause....
I didnt break any mirrors
No black cat crossed my path
I didnt walk under any ladders
BUT have i been dealt with some shite cards.

Lets start

Remember the travel channel.....well......
Everyone knows Airasia yea? Me and my big mouth i told a friend "nahh i doubt this flight would be delayed cause its the first flight of the day"
Everything up to the point before i reached the airport was surprisingly great.
I got picked up by my friend BusyBen and spent the evening following him all around.....and SpazTaz decided to come along and meet us, it was nice catching up, they got their massages and foot reflex.....supper.....they stayed up with me all the way till the dropped me at Central to catch the bus to LCCT....i met a nice guy chatted all the way....reach LCCT and then

*tah dah*

AK50 0630 "RETIMED"

How effin' clever are they, instead of 'delayed', they have come up with RETIMED as if it would somehow sooth one's anger.
I checked in, flight delayed till 830am.....$%@#$^%&!!!!
I waited....and waited and waited.....remember all this running on no sleep as i have been awake since 8am 24 hours before.
AND then....they announce....i thought, it was an announcement to begin boarding BUT NOOOooo....my flight was delayed ...oh wait cop tweet..."retimed" to 9 fuckin O clock!

i finally made my way to Guang Zhou and all i wanted was for rest and sleep. BUT my friggin cousin dragged me all over to see some things....with my 2 heavy bags and the rain!
Naturally i got ill......but we spent the whole day working and it got worse and the next day we were due to go into the city i was ill and i said, you got first i'll meet you in 2 hours....but for some reason my key decided not to work!!! The same key i've been using for the past half a year! So i was locked in.
I climbed into the neighbour's to try and wake him up so i could get out through his house but to no avail.

Anyway, my younger cousin came home, got me out then i left and went to meet my other cousin.
Took the bus etc all fine, got out of the station, couldnt get a cab....i hailed 6 cabs and all refused to bring me to where i needed to go.
No worries, i decided to use one of those handicap motorcab people.....one guy wanted to fuckin charge me RMB20! mBloody 'ell! I'd get there in a cab for that price.
Then a nicer dood came along and told me RMB12....got on his bike and man...he went at only 20km....so friggin slow in the hot son and pollution of guang zhou city.....ugh kill me!!!

I finally made it there lil time but got enough done.....but not all so we were due back there the next day.
We went for dinner with a supplier after, very yummy, caught the last bus homen AND GUESS WHAT?
The friggin bus stalled right outside the city at 10pm.....and because people here are a bit slow up there.....add the eediotism of this damn bus driver, it took so long to get the bus fix....fianlly we were on our way at 145am......and i finally reached home at 3am!!!!

AND GUESS WHAT, i was due up in another 4 hours to head back to that damn place!

i hate china
:(

Ok Ok i don't hate HATE it....

I think my planetary alignment is all screwy.....cause something bad happens everyday.....and i am still ill.....and i have some sort of gastric stress something which feels like 10 knives scratching inside me.

I gotta get me some;
rabbits tail
clover leaf
horse shoe
what else what else!?!?!

China Anti-Blogs

To the few people who drop by to read my blog and actually leave me comments, thanks!
China allows me to blog but i can't access blogs...however, hoorah to proxy servers!!!
Cause it allows me to read blogs, unfortunately, all i can do is read and i cant access comments, but pls do continue to leave comments as i can read them through my email notification, hoorah clever blog people!!

TRAVEL CHANNEL & FINANCE MANAGEMENT

Back to my TRAVEL CHANNEL.



Its time to start my amazing race travel......its gonna take me
like 24 hours before i get to my house there
see tomorrow morning 10am.....i go to kl by bus.....arrive at 2pm...
get a cab to my shop then hang around my shop till 6pm
then i m gonna eat dinner with ben, have coffee andwatch a movie
then mebe get to shower....then i go to central at 330am to get on
the 4am bus to LCCT...reach there 5.....then check in,
my flight is at 630 am....then i reach macau at 10am...
then i get a cab to immigration.....then i go
through both immigrations....then i walk to the bus station
get on the bus to guang zhou which will arrive around 1pm.....
then i reach then i walk home.....
AND all the time
i shall be pulling 15kg luggage with like 7 kg in my bagpack....
and i am having my period!!!
horrible
:(
feelin so crappy can cry arrRR!

so i wore my pretty Zara dress today to cheer myself up....complete with a cute rattan bag and shoes from Zara!

Dammit i just realised i will have no more retail therapy.....

Flip to FINANACE MANAGEMENT CHANNEL



i was just checking out my credit card
points to see if i finally have enough ti claim anything and i have 35,000++ points
which has been accumulated over only 3 years! Thats bad! what about when i shop and pay by cash
which i do often [i have a bad china cina uncouth habit where i carry rolls of cash......lets say
another 20,000 paid by cash means in my 4 years of working,
i spent 55,000 big ones!

i earn an average of 24,000 a year....yes yes i am finally saying out loud and posting it :-

I AM THE LOWEST PAID PERSON AMONGST EVERYONE I KNOW YOUNGER OR OLDER THAN ME!

So my 4 years of working pay accumulated 96,000 and i spent 55,000....half of it on nothing....food & shopping ! And then add my holidays and my iBook and my handfone [which i recently smashed] and another handfone oh and my SLR......which adds a good 15,000.....so i spent 70,000 of my 96,000 which means i should be left with 26,000 saved up....but i only have 15,000, so where did my 11,000 or so go???

THIS is so bad bad BAD....so i decided as off August 2007 no more shopping for me, besides i have 2 closets full of clothes i dont even get to wear cause i am all over the place
and i counted....in just the past 1 year i bought almost 20 pairs of shoes!

BUT but no retail therapy, no good food......and a shitty job....how am i gonna cheer myself up??

Fullstop

What i would give to get a [ . ] in my life!

I was just reading Lulubelle's blog and we both had this discussion on how its like to just settle.
Stop trying to look for love.
Find someone who wants to just get settled.
Settle.
Have Kids.
Full stop.
[ . ]

As in go on with the monocycle life that the universe has planned out for us and stop going against the current.
Its tiring.

Get born.
Be cute.
Go to school.
Go to uni.
Graduate.
Work.
Marry.
Kids.
Be a grandparent.
Die.

UP up & away.......... .. again ...

Here i am making a resolution to write more on my blog .
Ok i forgot to make my unnecessary rambling of the day yesterday for that i will make up for it by writting 2 today!

I've just been back for 3 weeks and i am off to dodgy dirty China again.
Ok ok...i am sure China has its pretty sights too but sadly i only ever go to GuangZhou where its dirty polluted smelly and polluted. Apparentl breathing in the air a day is equivalent to smoking like 5 ciggies a day, if thats the case, why would anyone quit smoking ?

I hate this feeling i get before i have to leave Penang again.
Not knowing when i will be back next.
Not knowing exactly what i am supposed to do there.
Wing it!
Nowadays there are just lotsa "dunnos" in my life.

I dunno where i see myself in 1 year, 5 years or 10 years.

I dont think i can take this instability in my life anymore.

I mean i can do the fly here fly there blah blah thing but i cant not know where i see my future.
How can a person carry on the everyday blindly not knowing where they are heading?
But thats what i've been doing though, i just go with the flow and before i knowit 2007 is almost over.
I dun want my life just to pass me by with me just going with the flow waiting for something to happen.
What if nothing happens?
What if it happens and i dun even know it and i just keep on waiting?

I know i sound like i am complaining, maybe i am, but this so i merely have an outlet. I go days weeks months without thinking bout my current job and where its taking me cause the "i dunno"s i get when i am trying to answer things scare me.

Most of you might just say, "cel, you are always not happy with where you are in which job you do?" but i guess most of you dun understand how its like to get paid below the taxable salary, flying all around living out of a suitcase not knowing where you future is heading.

I guess i've just been brought up to know where you stand in life and to plan where you are going so this Cinaman way of business is beyong my comprehension.

ok ok ok.....it isnt that bad.....i am PMSing and a girl is entitled to PMS and hate everything in her life at the moment even the way her hair looks or something blahh like that!

Oh i kampung jakun!

i can upload photos straight
kekekeke
dop!
kekeke
lame

its been a while...lala la ...gettin senile....walking the mile.... holding a file..bla blah

i know i know
its been a while since i wrote
and this blog is so random
it doesnt do justice to any sort of writing....so unlike my old blog.
i miss my old blog....
i wish there wasnt a blog war explosion there
i have to admit that explosion has made me lose me feel of writing
i just dont feel it anymore

OR

maybe coz my job now takes more out of me than anything ever has
i mean its crazy my nomadic lifestyle
living out od a suitcase
when people ask me where i am based now i dont even know how to answer
ermm.....i am in Guang Zhou for most of the times
but i travel to KL more often
and my things are all in Penang

OR

maybe cause as you get older nothing much really happens in you life anymore
one minute you are 28 poof another you celebrate the big 30 and poof blink of an eye another minute and ima be 40 wondering shit where did the last ten years go?

OR

maybe cause i am back blogging with an Apple
i love love love Macs.....but i gotta say.....blogger isnt very Mac friendly, so much functions i cant utilise....like coloured fonts, uploading photos....chaging my font size.....
this just makes a Mac blogger a boring blogger innit?

Then again i look back at what i just wrote and being able to come up with so much shit......kinda shows that these are all just excuses.

So yes i decided i will write something everyday even if its just a lil bit has no meaning has no impact whatsoever but starts me on the momentum of blogging again

Now i just wish that Blogger becomes more Mac friendly so that i can upload photos straight onto the post!

life; time; love

I havent written in a while but certian events in my life recently has left me flustered.
I didnt know what to write.
I didnt know what to say.
I didnt want to confront the happenings in my life,

You know sometimes, when we just let things by and let time slide, we go into a trance we refuse to step out of.
The trance of denial.

I was in China for a month and a half for work and my life fell apart.
I don't blame him.
I dont blame me.
At the start i just wanted to point my finger at someone, something.
Then i realise, there was nothing to point at, this is something that is happening.
It was gradual then it happened and i am powerless to stop it.

To love someone and to slowly lose your grasp on that love.
To feel your mind and body slowly letting go but yet your heart betrays you as it latches on to the remnance of what is left.

Certain events are carving my future just stringing me along.
I am at a point where i no longer know if yes this is what i want to do, or this is what i should do.

Last night i got a text "i love you....you and i both know it. Nights"
Even typing it out now my tears forms and trickle down.
I know you love me and i love you
BUT
the sand of time marches to a different tune.

"Sometimes you don't end up with the person who rocks your world"

"If you want something you never had,

do something you've never done"

"Don't go the way life takes you,

take the life the way you go"

"and remember you were born to live,

not living because you are born"

A friend sent me this through email amongst many others but nothing else hit the spot as much as this did.

In China now, doind a job and seeing where it takes me and going along with it.

The above JOLTED me.....a WAKE UP call.

It inspires me.....and thus, i shall try to live my life by this guidelines.